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October 19, 2020

Setting Healthy Boundaries

What are healthy boundaries and why are they so important? Healthy boundaries are simply limits you set to best care for your mental/emotional/spiritual health and prioritize the things that matter to you most.We need boundaries in many areas of our lives, including but certainly not limited to--time, relationships, our thought lives, finances, and our social media use.

Your personal boundaries are not about others. They are about you and what you will and will not allow. Someone not liking or not agreeing with your boundaries doesn't make them wrong or bad. 

Boundaries might look like:

  • "I am only available from (very specific time) to (very specific time)."
  • "Thanks so much for the invitation, we won't be able to make it this time."
  • "I'm so honored that you thought of me, but I won't be able to help this time."
  • "Please speak respectfully to me/my partner or we won't be coming over anymore."
  • "Please do not comment on my child's weight/eating habits again."
  • "Please stop commenting on my singleness/asking when I will have a child/asking when I will have another child."
  • "I'm not comfortable gossiping about our friend."
  • "I am not ok with racist jokes. Please stop."
  • "NO."

As a therapist, I know all too well what it looks like when a person has no boundaries. It very often leads to a life of stress, exhaustion, hurry, relationship problems, and feelings of resentment. A lack of personal boundaries is a great contributor to anxiety and depression and can ultimately lead to you missing out on enjoying the people and things that are most important to you. And no one wants this! 

Some thoughts for getting started with setting healthy boundaries:

  • Consider your priorities and identify a clear top three. Then evaluate the way you spend your time, the relationships in your life, and your resources. Do they contribute to or take away from your top three? 
  • Consider your commitments. Do you dread or resent any of them? Life is truly too short to spend it doing things we do not enjoy and don't feel particularly called to. 
  • Practice saying no in safe places first. It is much easier to say "thanks for inviting me, but I can't make it this time" to a friend than the time you have to tell a family member "I hate that this is a hard season for you, but I won't be able to give you money again". 
  • Choose a trusted friend and share with them some areas where you are aiming to set boundaries. Get their feedback and ask for their support when carrying through gets tough. We are so much better together!

This picture was taken about a year ago and so much has changed since then. 2020 is teaching me more and more about how precious life is. It's made me want to prioritize the things that truly matter to me more than ever before and I bet many of you are feeling the same way. There's a lot of freedom in that, in the ability to see so clearly what matters and what does not. Maybe that's one gift 2020 is giving us:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

By: whitneycaves · In: Counseling, Uncategorized

About Me

About Me
Believer, wife, mama, and Licensed Professional Counselor. Book lover, part time pretend gardener, and full time expert in little girl drama. Sharing lessons I’ve learned as a counselor and the things I love the most. I’m so glad you’re here and I hope you’ll be back soon!

Recent Posts

  • Summer Scripture Memory Group–Verse 3
  • Kids Books for Self-Esteem
  • Summer Scripture Memory Group – Verse 2
  • Summer ’23 Scripture Memory Group–Verse 1
  • Summer ’23 Scripture Memory Group–Scriptures for Anxiety

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Latest From Instagram

Finished with her first nine weeks of 1st grade an Finished with her first nine weeks of 1st grade and now on the way to the beach! She is a good friend, a hard worker, keeps everyone laughing and we’re so so so proud of her. What an absolute gift she is to us! 

Lily’s school picture day dress: @thebeaufortbonnetcompany 
Sweatshirt I’ve wanted forever: @alice_walk
Part 2 of the photos she charged me $10 to pose fo Part 2 of the photos she charged me $10 to pose for 😂. I could not love her one bit more.
I’m truly, deeply grateful the intense heat seem I’m truly, deeply grateful the intense heat seems to be gone. Ninety degrees is breath of fresh air after living through one hundred and eight degree days!! These cooler days really do feel like a gift of grace. 

Fall in the south means summer shapes and fabrics, just in fall colors 😂. I’m happy to share this dress from @tigertalesnyc! The fabric is breezy for these still warm days, the cut is flattering, the color and pattern are really pretty for Fall, and the price point is very affordable for such a nice piece. Wear it with a sweater tossed over your shoulders and pretend like it’s cooler than actually is 🍁🍂🍁!

Love that everything from this small brand is handmade, provides work and fair income for women in India, and supports good causes. Check out my stories to learn more and be sure to check out @tigertalesnyc 💕
‘Tis the season for pumpkins to roll around my p ‘Tis the season for pumpkins to roll around my porch and never stay in the same place all Fall long! Whitney and Lily’s best tip for keeping your mums looking great—buy inexpensive ones so it doesn’t cost as much to replace them each time they die 😉👌

Will calls this @lakepajamas Relax Set my leisure suit, and indeed, I do feel like a lady of leisure in it! It is SO soft and I know I’ll wear it for years. It’s so cozy for fall and makes the most thoughtful gift (for a friend or for yourself😉).

#lakepartner #lakepajamas
Anxiety, stress, and worry can feel so hard. Here Anxiety, stress, and worry can feel so hard. Here are a few verses I’ve found encouraging during my own seasons of anxiety. I hope they’re an encouragement to you as well! 

Head to the link in my bio for a free download of several more of my favorite verses. I hope you have a great week!
This is my friend @courtneyc_mousecounselor. She l This is my friend @courtneyc_mousecounselor. She lives over in Georgia, but we text and voice message nearly everyday. Three and a half years ago I was in a hard place, working from home seeing clients over tele-health during covid. My life was suddenly full of a lot of really hard things, but like so many others during that time I was missing many of the things that bring me joy. 

I’d seen a girl named Courtney share some earrings I liked around that time and somehow we started messaging. One day Courtney messaged me and asked if I’d like to join her and few others in a group post. I had no idea what that was and had to secret message her to make sure I was doing it correctly. But I did succeed in participating in the group post and it gave me a little project to work on and that gave me some life. It also gave me my first internet friend. 

I’m still talking with the ladies from that very first group share nearly daily. Many of you saw that we got to travel to Cape Cod together last summer. I’ve never forgotten that Courtney is the one who first invited me in, because she’s the kind of person who’s always ready to make room for another. She’s the ultimate cheerleader, never forgets to check on you in hard times, and knows what really matters. 

If you enjoy following me then you’ll certainly enjoy her, so I hope you’ll head over and follow @courtneyc_mousecounselor. She’s really close to hitting 10k, which doesn’t actually matter at all, but it’s nice when this is something you’ve worked hard on for awhile. 

@courtneyc_mousecounselor is a person of real faith and wisdom. I genuinely think about making room for others in a different way because of her. I’m so very thankful for my first internet friend 💕
This lady charged me $10 cash dollars to pose for This lady charged me $10 cash dollars to pose for these pictures because we haven’t raised a person who can’t negotiate😂! 

@smockedauctions released their Christmas collection and it’s cute cute! It’s always so affordable for such nice clothes, plus the ladies with this brand are so kind! Linking these and a few more favorites in stories 🎄
How do I find a therapist that’s right for me? How do I find a therapist that’s right for me?

Since the chaos of 2020 it seems like I’ve seen a great many social media posts, often written by professionals, normalizing experiencing difficulties. This is good–this info is kind, compassionate, and accurate. It helps us know we aren’t alone. 

But the thing is, we can’t just stop indefinitely when we’re not ok and I don’t mean that callously. I hope you can for a couple of days or weeks. I hope you can take some things off your plate. I hope you can call in some help. 

While it’s totally ok and normal to have really hard seasons, there are ultimately things we eventually HAVE to do to function–feed kids, pay bills, do laundry, go to work. But more importantly, we want to find joy in our lives that are still full of so much good despite hard things. And this might be where finding a good therapist comes in. 

I wrote this guide a couple of years ago to help answer some questions I’m commonly asked. What exactly is a therapist? How do I find one? What if I don’t have insurance?

I hope this info empowers and encourages a few of you to reach out for the help you may desperately need. I promise promise promise–there is always hope for healing. 

Find my guide at the link in my bio or in stories. I’d love for you to share if you think this may help someone else💕

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